Yesterday was miserable. I sat on the bed and graded all 68 freshmen research papers. Why didn't God call me to be a math teacher? Probably has something to do with the fact that I'm not good with numbers.
Today I ran away. I've been bemoaning the fact that I don't have enough time for my family. But around midnight last night as I was entering the last grades, it hit me. I don't have any time for myself. I've never been one that thought it was very important. I figured once I started a family that "me" time was a luxury that could be sacrificed. But I woke up this morning thinking of the things I would like to do if I had some time to myself. Would the world really fall apart if I indulged myself and slipped away for a few hours? It was an experiment I was willing to try.
I gathered my purse and keys and headed for the door. At the sound of the jangling keys, the children came running like Pavlov's dog. "Where we goin'?" "Wait! I'll get my shoes!" I turned and looked them in the eyes and said, "Not this time. I'll be back by football practice this evening." I turned with their looks of confusion still lingering and slowly clicked the door behind me.
A wave of momentary guilt washed over me. I sat in the driveway with the car running as I rethought my decision. With a heavy sigh I put the car in reverse. Where would I go? What should I do? It was nearly lunch time, so I stopped at a cafe and tarried over the meal. It felt strange to sit by myself and people watch. I basked in the quietness that comes with being alone; I am rarely ever alone. I remembered that the movie Marie Antoinette was starting today, but I had decided I would wait for it to come out on video since no one was interested in seeing it. Whitney is the only one who will go and see foreign films and quirky historical pieces with me. I've never been to the movies alone, but I sat in the darkness of the theatre soaking in the beauty of being by myself. I had forgotten how refreshing solitude can be. The movie was disappointing, but the time away reminded me how important it is to rethink where I place my priorities. Perhaps my family are not the only ones that need more of me.
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2 comments:
i am learning that one of the greatest ways i can serve my husband and my child is to make sure that i am serving myself.... of course, i rethink it all the time considering it selfish or indulgent.... but really it is about keeping myself sane & tender - not callous and tired - in order to love them as christ has called me to love them...selflessly. he took time to be alone.... not to see a movie but i think he delights in the fact that you were able to delight in a peaceful afternoon. i know that i would delight in such an afternoon - even if the move was disappointing cuz it really has nothing to do with actual movie but about doing something for YOU!!!! love you, les!
Interesting how I was asking this very question to you today! I think about this constantly and about how to balance life. The thing that fills me up the most is alone time...sometimes with Christ and sometimes just by myself reading. I love it...that is my reward for the day. What I struggle with is...what is normal and balanced and what is an idol...I know its all in the heart attitude, but still I wonder.
xooxox
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