I Can't Bear to Look

"No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God"
-Luke 9:62
There's a reason I didn't see The Passion of the Christ when it came to theatres. Everyone I knew was going; many of them with positive things to say about the film. The honest truth is I seriously consider going, but I know me.

I took the children to see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe when it came out. I sat in the darkness of that theatre and wept. It was unbearable to watch Aslan as he was humiliated, tormented, and murdered. Even a fictional representation was too much for me. I feel the weight of my unworthiness and the incredible price that was paid on my behalf when I read of the crucifixion. Watching it is simply too much to bear. So for that reason, I haven't watched The Passion.

I have been circling around the possibility of traveling to Eastern Europe to work in an orphanage. Wouldn't you know, the opportunity has presented itself. I spoke with a mission director last night and he expressed his hope that I would travel to the orphanages he serves. Not because I have any special gifts or talents. Believe me, I know who I am! He recognizes my common spirit in a desire to reach these lost children. And so now I am faced with a choice. Do I go? I don't know a single person and I don't speak the language. I've never been to this area of the world. I will need to inconvenience my family, my students, and my peers. But let's be honest, those are just excuses. Like the disciples in Luke 9:57-62 who are called by Christ to follow. They were full of excuses as to why they wanted to but couldn't. None of these was acceptable to Christ. He called them "unfit". Is that what I'm doing?

I talked to K about the trip today and she said something that really hit home for me. "Leslie, will you be alright? Can you handle it?" And I found myself faced with what I think is the true issue. Can I bear to look into the faces of these children and minister despite my own weaknesses? It's the same excuse for not watching The Passion. I know there will be tremendous pain and heartache in the things I see. Of course it's not an acceptable excuse.