The Ukrainians are coming! The Ukrainians are coming!

Somehow that doesn't sound the same way when you replace "British". Eleven days and counting! We will continue to post about Kristina's Christmas visit on our other blog Kristina's Story. Stop by and check in on us!

The Holidays

I love the holiday season. Not the presents or food. There's a feeling associated with Christmas. Its something you sense well before December rolls around and the observation is offically underway. I noticed it before Halloween this year. Oddly, the MasterCard Home for the Holidays commerical always sets it off for me. Then comes the music, lights, the crispness of cool air (even for Florida!). The season is offically underway and I am loving it!

Run Away

Yesterday was miserable. I sat on the bed and graded all 68 freshmen research papers. Why didn't God call me to be a math teacher? Probably has something to do with the fact that I'm not good with numbers.

Today I ran away. I've been bemoaning the fact that I don't have enough time for my family. But around midnight last night as I was entering the last grades, it hit me. I don't have any time for myself. I've never been one that thought it was very important. I figured once I started a family that "me" time was a luxury that could be sacrificed. But I woke up this morning thinking of the things I would like to do if I had some time to myself. Would the world really fall apart if I indulged myself and slipped away for a few hours? It was an experiment I was willing to try.

I gathered my purse and keys and headed for the door. At the sound of the jangling keys, the children came running like Pavlov's dog. "Where we goin'?" "Wait! I'll get my shoes!" I turned and looked them in the eyes and said, "Not this time. I'll be back by football practice this evening." I turned with their looks of confusion still lingering and slowly clicked the door behind me.

A wave of momentary guilt washed over me. I sat in the driveway with the car running as I rethought my decision. With a heavy sigh I put the car in reverse. Where would I go? What should I do? It was nearly lunch time, so I stopped at a cafe and tarried over the meal. It felt strange to sit by myself and people watch. I basked in the quietness that comes with being alone; I am rarely ever alone. I remembered that the movie Marie Antoinette was starting today, but I had decided I would wait for it to come out on video since no one was interested in seeing it. Whitney is the only one who will go and see foreign films and quirky historical pieces with me. I've never been to the movies alone, but I sat in the darkness of the theatre soaking in the beauty of being by myself. I had forgotten how refreshing solitude can be. The movie was disappointing, but the time away reminded me how important it is to rethink where I place my priorities. Perhaps my family are not the only ones that need more of me.

Listening to God

Working as a teacher in a Christian school is really a double edged sword. There's a real risk of falling into a complacent place. In the back of mind I have caught myself saying, "You're doing okay. You're a Christian teacher in a Chrisitan school. You do this stuff full time!" But the truth of the matter is Judas was a disciple. He walked, talked, ate, MINISTERED, and worked day in and day out with Christ. You can stand in a garage all day long, but that won't make you a car.

I'm thankful that the Spirit has awakened this awareness in me though. I catch myself using this "safe" language to justify my spiritual life. But I have a longing that keeps surfacing. My contentment has become discontentment. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and minister. I want to reach out and touch somone in need not because those around me expect it, but because I am simply a represetative of the King. I want my right hand not to know what my left hand is doing. I want God to receive all the glory for any good that I can bring to another's life. I have spent most of my Christian life robbing God of that glory, claiming good deeds in my own name.

I wrote that many months ago, long before I went to Ukraine and saw things there. I've been burdened in the last few months to examine my understanding of the role of the Christian in the world. What does it mean to serve God? When I returned from Ukraine, I felt recentered. I was afraid that I was experiencing what I'll call a "mission high". You know, that feeling you get during and following a mission trip. You feel motivated, moved, quite frankly, you FEEL. Then you come home and your life swallows you back up. Before you know it, the trip is a small album of photos and a fond memory. I'm saying these things because this is my experience.

So as I'm reflecting on this phenomenon, I realize that the issues with the orphans I encountered in Ukraine haven't left me. And I'm not referring to Kristina. I'm thinking of ministry to orphans around the world, here in Central Florida to Africa. The need and the pain of these children is with me constantly. And so I wonder, what is my obligation to them? In fact, what is my obligation to anyone? What has God called me to do? What does it mean to serve God?

I started to bounce these ideas off others in my life. And you know what happened? Some of them became angry with me. Some of them tried to convince me I was already doing everything I was supposed to do. I was taken aback by the response. I tried to communicate that I was seeking answers, not attempting to judge. Am I truely overthinking this? But something tells me there is so much more to be done. Am I okay with the possibility that this may not be agreeable to those around me? Even those who are Christians? I suppose I have to be. If God is calling me to something or if He is simply reminding me of what I should have been doing all along, I am thankful for the message.

The Truth of the Matter

I wonder about my relationship with God sometimes. How genuine is that relationship? I don't know that my prayer life would fit any standard. I don't kneel by my bedside twice a day with head bowed and hands clasped. My prayer life is more of an ongoing conversation with God. I speak to Him throughout my day as things come to mind and people cross my path. Is that normal?

But what I have been thinking about lately is what I DON'T pray about. Its easy enough to lift up requests about small issues and the day in and day out things. The really big things . . . well I hesitate to whisper those to God. Why is that? Why don't I commit to pray constantly for the friend with the addiction problem or the family member with the marriage problem? Those are huge ongoing issues that need committed, consistent prayer. After carefully examining this, I think I have figured out why I don't do it. I am afraid that God will not answer my request in the fashion and timing that I desire And then where will I be? I think my heart is not too far from the father in Mark 9:24 who said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

Language of Love

Behold, I am going to send an angel before you to guard you along the way and to bring you into the place which I have prepared.
-Exodus 23:20

Oddly enough, I'm very calm. I leave in four days and yet I'm not panicked. P, fabulous as she always is, thought to rally the troops for supplies. K is bringing her spacesaver packing bags so that I can travel light. I have my passport and tickets. What am I forgetting? Its too late to learn Russian. The Cyrillic alphabet is too daunting anyway. There's really nothing to plan. I will need to be flexible and go with the flow. I like itineraries, so this will be a stretch for me. How strange to be traveling so far away with no touristy destinations on the agenda. I truly feel my dependence on God for this trip. I will need His prodding to know where to go, who to speak with, and what to do. What a lesson this will be for me!

I See You

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
-I Peter 5:8


On days like today, I am acutely aware that there is a devil and he intends to ravage everything good. It seemed like one frustrating event followed another as the day clicked away. I grew angrier and felt defeated as the school day crept to a close. And then it hit me. The devil is actively seeking to not only discourage, but destroy my collegues. I watched one event after the other unfold today and I realized that this was an actual attack. I don't say that lightly. I'm not the kind that blames things on Satan everytime the wind blows contrary. But there can be no mistaking the chaos that he is trying to cause between student, teachers, and friends. Recognizing this is part of the solution and now I know how to pray.

Deep and Wide

The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters.
-Genesis 1:2


Do you remember the first time you walked out to the end of the diving board? If you're anything like me, you didn't jump right in. You contemplated the deepness of the water, the height of the board, your fear of falling, and the judgmental stares of the onlookers. And, if you're anything like me, you probably backed off the board without jumping in. I did this several times. I distinctly remember the excitment and terror of looking down into the cool water at my own reflection. Jumping in had to be fun; otherwise why did everyone line up and wait their turn to take a running leap off? But there was always the equally matched doubt and fear.

I was reminded of this experience recently as I was working through my feelings about the upcoming trip to Ukraine. My plane tickets arrived yesterday and I felt my breathe catch in my chest. Suddenly I was out on the end of that board again. As I thumbed through the multiple tickets that make up my journey, I was filled with giddiness with a tinge of panic. But I can't back off the board at this point. I have to make peace with the water below and will my lead feet to move towards the edge.

Ukraine Bound

I will hurry, without lingering, to obey your commands.
-Psalms 119:60

It's official. I have permission for the time off from work and I have confirmed my spot on the trip. The flight ticket is being purchased as I write. Part of me is giddy and part of me is terrified. I told the children for the first time as soon as I hung up the phone. Samuel had the biggest grin on his face and shouted to the others, "Mom's going to be a missionary! Mom's going to be a missionary!" I was so proud of him at that moment. He was so happy that I was going to minister to children on the other side of the world. He never once thought to protest and complain about my second international trip in a two month span. He was okay with sharing his mom. I have the best family in the world. They are truly selfless when it comes to the convenience of having me around. Of course, I'm probably not as necessary of a fixture as I think I am!
So I need to put together my itinerary at this point. The director is allowing me to choose where I want to go and what I want to do. The need is so great everywhere that there's really no priority areas. He spoke to me about orphanage #3 that houses infants up to four year olds. And then there's Orphanage #9 that is home to toddlers 3-6 years old. I can also visit the orphanages that are home to older orphans. How strange a decision this is. There are babies and toddlers that need to be held, rocked, changed, fed, played with. There are teenagers that need to hang out and connect. Where do I begin and how will I know how to reach their needs? I am sure I'm being too romantic about all of this. I will probably spend the week washing dishes or cleaning, and that would be okay too.

Thought for the Day: Sky Diving

Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.
- James 4:14
If I ever went sky diving (and mind you, I wouldn't) I wouldn't want the time from when I leap from a perfectly good plane to the time I reach blessed earth to be typified by the typical sky diving reaction: screaming. Yet I feel like that's how I spent a lot of my life. I've spent time worried about where I'm at, how I got there, am I prepared,and I've missed most of the scenery. What's the point of going through life if you're not going to experience the exhilaration, the scenery, and the beauty of just having life? The truth is, we're all rushing towards the same destination. Why not enjoy the adventure?

Baby Steps Towards Ukraine

"Examine me, O LORD, and try me;
Test my mind and my heart."
-Psalms 26:2

So I submitted my request for time off April 29-May 7. All the details aren't clear yet, but I am moving forward in faith. Isn't that the essence of faith though? We are called to obey the voice of God when things aren't spelled out for us; when we feel unprepared, unwilling, or uninspired.

God calls us to do things sometimes just to see us obey. Does that sound farfetched? He called Abraham to do something that seemed utterlessly pointless, even absurd. Lessons in obedience are part of our relationship with God. I don't know how I will make things work to spend a week in the Ukraine. I'm not sure how I will cover the $3000.00 to finance the trip. But the truth of the matter is, I may not even go on this trip. God may simply be asking me to obey and not question His instructions. And He expects me to move without grumbling, complaining, or whining. While I am preparing myself daily for the possibility of traveling to Eastern Europe, I am also seeking peace for however God works out the details.

I Can't Bear to Look

"No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God"
-Luke 9:62
There's a reason I didn't see The Passion of the Christ when it came to theatres. Everyone I knew was going; many of them with positive things to say about the film. The honest truth is I seriously consider going, but I know me.

I took the children to see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe when it came out. I sat in the darkness of that theatre and wept. It was unbearable to watch Aslan as he was humiliated, tormented, and murdered. Even a fictional representation was too much for me. I feel the weight of my unworthiness and the incredible price that was paid on my behalf when I read of the crucifixion. Watching it is simply too much to bear. So for that reason, I haven't watched The Passion.

I have been circling around the possibility of traveling to Eastern Europe to work in an orphanage. Wouldn't you know, the opportunity has presented itself. I spoke with a mission director last night and he expressed his hope that I would travel to the orphanages he serves. Not because I have any special gifts or talents. Believe me, I know who I am! He recognizes my common spirit in a desire to reach these lost children. And so now I am faced with a choice. Do I go? I don't know a single person and I don't speak the language. I've never been to this area of the world. I will need to inconvenience my family, my students, and my peers. But let's be honest, those are just excuses. Like the disciples in Luke 9:57-62 who are called by Christ to follow. They were full of excuses as to why they wanted to but couldn't. None of these was acceptable to Christ. He called them "unfit". Is that what I'm doing?

I talked to K about the trip today and she said something that really hit home for me. "Leslie, will you be alright? Can you handle it?" And I found myself faced with what I think is the true issue. Can I bear to look into the faces of these children and minister despite my own weaknesses? It's the same excuse for not watching The Passion. I know there will be tremendous pain and heartache in the things I see. Of course it's not an acceptable excuse.

Where My Heart Is

For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" - Romans 8:15

Several years ago I watched a program during the Christmas season that profiled orphans in the US and their desire to find a family. Orphans? Most children who lose their parents are taken in by family members. Right? I mean, that's what my family would do for my four if something were to happen to me.

But something in my heart was pricked by the situation. I went onto the internet and started to search for them, these children with no parents, no family. And amazingly, there they were. Over the next year I found myself drawn to websites with photolistings of orphans all over the world: Nicaragua, Russia, Brazil, Ukraine, China. Hardly a day went by that I didn't search for them online. And there are thousands, hundreds of thousands of them. Infants to teenagers with no one and nothing in this world. Each photolisting included a small picture and blurb about them: abandoned at birth, makes caretakers smile, a favorite in the orphanage, found in the streets. I tried to imagine my Joshua in this situation. I tried to picture him going to sleep each night in a room full of other children. Whose bed would he crawl into if he had a nightmare? Who would hold him and speak to him? How would he learn how to be a dad, a father? Unfathomable.

But what could I do? I showed them to Robert who was moved by their situation as well. Hardly a day has gone by that I haven't visited a website and tried to point out a sweet face to him. He can't bear to look at them though. It makes him incredibly sad. He would say, "Let's go get them." I thought he was joking and then I realized that maybe that was a possibility.

Yes, we have four beautiful children. There isn't a hole in our family; we don't feel incomplete. But maybe this wasn't about us. Maybe this was about someone else. Why not? Wasn't that what Christ had done for me? Hadn't He taken me when I was fatherless and pitiful and brought me into the family of God. And then I saw it all as it should be. I understood the verses about the spirit of adoption and justice for the orphan, and pure religion. I felt an urgency from that point on. Somewhere in the world there was a child in an orphanage that was meant to be part of our family. Who? Where? I had no idea. More importantly, how? That's the question I am working through even at this moment. In the process I have learned patience and trust in God. He has given us stories of families that have walked this path and have claimed a lost child in His name. So we wait and watch.

So here we are . . .

“Weigh'st thy words before thou givest them breath”
-Shakespeare's Othello

I haven't understood the whole "blog" thing. Exactly why would someone want to post an online journal? Isn't that like leaving a locking diary with the key in it? Or maybe people just don't post their most personal thoughts in this type of forum. What's the point then? Is it just another way to talk to hear yourself talking?

Yet here I am.

Curisoity got the best of me. So what good could I use this for? Surely no one cares to know what I'm thinking about the guy driving in front of me today or the paper pile on my desk that never diminishes. Like the widow in I King's who never runs out of oil or bread after using the last of her supplies to cook for Elijah. I think her situation was supposed to be a blessing though. sigh. See that? I just sighed. I'll do that a lot I'm sure.